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EVIL JIM STRIKES BACK!
It’s the first of April so I, Evil Jim, Heaton’s former roommate, have decided to make an April’s Fools Day tactical strike — sort of like what Kim Jong Un would try if he had any cajones. If you’ve...
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The Majestic Chinese Dog Lion
I would like to congratulate the innovative zookeepers of Louhe, China, for literally trying to pawn off a large hairy dog as a lion. This came to international attention last week when a visiting...
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Drunken Pig Terrorizes Australia
If you’re not worried about feral pigs, you should be. Particularly in Australia where, apparently, they have a drinking problem. Earlier this month a ferrel pig (domesticated pigs which escape to the...
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Cupid of the Year
Recently an armed Romeo from the great state of Georgia met and somehow wooed his girlfriend by inadvertently shooting her. According to The Week, Matthew Webber was out hunting and mistook a lady in...
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The Prince and I
Happy New Year, friends and neighbors! I hope your New Year’s Eve was as good as mine. (Pro tip: eat an entire pizza by yourself, pass out for an hour, then start drinking other people’s booze. You...
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Gardening with Shotguns
If you think gardening is boring, that’s only because you’re too stupid to incorporate firearms into it. That’s exactly what a startup company called Flower Shell is doing: using shotgun technology to...
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Danish Zoo Shoots Giraffe and Feeds It to Lion in Front of Kids
Danish Zoos are apparently a lot more gruesome than American ones are, based on the fact that this week the Copenhagan Zoo shot a giraffe in the head with a bolt gun and then fed it to a lion–in...
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Go Home, Winter. You’re Drunk.
I am just about to write a letter to Congress demanding that they turn off this winter nonsense. Today is New York City’s fourteenth snow storm this season, giving us seventeen days of measurable...
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Atomic Nuns & Kate Upton’s Space Boobs
There are three important news stories which have received inadequate attention this week: atomic nuns, glow-in-the-dark reindeer, and Kate Upton’s space boobs. On Tuesday nuns were sentenced for...
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WW2 Veteran Escapes Nursing Home to Visit Normandy for D-Day
Last week a British World War II veteran escaped his nursing home and made it all the way back to Normandy in order to participate in D-Day commemorative festivities. I hereby officially propose that...
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